If only I could...

If you had a wish list of personal qualities you'd like to improve, what would you choose? How about a photographic memory and the mental processing powers of a computer? Perhaps you'd like to be less of a worrier and more the life and soul of the party? Or would you just opt for a few inches off the waistline and one less chin?

No matter how much better off physically, mentally or emotionally we are than the next person, there will always be areas in our personal makeup we're unhappy about. We're never content, our sense of purpose makes us constantly strive for self improvement. However that's no bad thing because complacency goes hand in hand with mediocrity. We know we can do better, we want to do better and deciding what to do about it is the first and most difficult step in the process.

This book is a totally practical, self-help guide to developing the key personal qualities that are vital to our everyday lives and will help us to achieve our maximum potential.

As you read the various sections you might think that some of the techniques, such as visualisations and maintaining eye contact, have been repeated. This is true and no apologies are due because a lot of personal development techniques are applicable to a variety of different areas of self improvement. You'll find that some of the techniques, once mastered, will have a positive affect in other areas of your life, beyond the scope of this book.

Assertiveness

Do you ever have the feeling you're being ignored or overlooked? Do you hold back and keep bottling up your feelings until it all becomes too much and you explode in a rage? Do you have to shout and carry on until people will listen to you?

The way we interact with other people depends on our level of our assertiveness. We might be passive and a bit timid. We might be demanding and overbearing. Or we may be at a happy state of balance - we are assertive.

Assertive people respect themselves, they respect other people and they have a genuine desire for everyone to succeed in what they're trying to achieve - not just themselves.

Assertive people stands up for their rights and are listened to when giving opinions. This isn't because of an overbearing or aggressive nature but simply because assertive people know how to project themselves calmly and confidently, to speak their minds openly and to gain everyone's support.

Motivation - achieve your goals

All of us, even workaholics, say we're not achieving as much as we'd like - we want to put more into the day and get more out of it. The reason we don't do this is because we waste so much time through poor planning, indecision and going round and round in circles that sometimes the day's over before we've really made a start.

Whatever you want to do in life - study for a degree, build a boat, earn more money or improve your game of golf - you'll need to set priorities, make time to work at it and manage to keep going even when things are a bit rough.

Public speaking - communicate effectively

An oft-quoted statistic is that people generally are more scared of public speaking than of dying. This might be an urban myth but certainly many people are genuinely scared stiff of standing up in public and speaking even a few words. Developing your communication skills will not only prepare you for standing up in front of a large meeting, it will help you in one-to-one conversation as well.

The way we verbally communicate with people - what we say and how we say it - is the first way that they assess us - and may be the only way they do it. It doesn't matter what you are, what you have done or what your ideas are, if you can't communicate effectively you'll never achieve your potential in life.

Conversation skills - what to say

In developing your public speaking skills you might learn how to address a room full of people but how do you feel in a one-to-one situation? There are all sort of social situations where we meet complete strangers and need to converse with them. Some people can just walk into a party and start chatting away to the first person they meet as though they've known each other for years. To others it's a nightmare - what do I say after 'Hello'? This section gives you a few hints and pointers towards starting a conversation and keeping it going.

Self esteem - putting it all together

You've developed your assertiveness, motivated yourself to get on with the things you've always wanted to do and learned to speak confidently so you can communicate effectively with one or a thousand people so your self esteem must be pretty high? Hopefully yes, but it's worth checking a few other areas - just to make sure.

... and keeping it all together

To gain maximum value it's important that you put these ideas into practice immediately. Don't just say 'That sounds like good sense - I'll start doing it next week' because you won't. The impetus to do it will have waned and the benefits will lessen. This is a short book and is easy to read so make a habit of scanning through it occasionally to check you're still using the techniques - even months or years after you first opened it.

You're probably not an indecisive wimp that the cat could dominate. You're probably a happy, easy going individual who tends to go with the flow. You have your own ideas and opinions but if someone else really insists that theirs are more worthwhile you just let them have their own way.

This works most of the time but occasionally, just now and then, you feel as though you're being overlooked - you're not being listened to, you're being ignored. If the situation continues then resentment builds up and you become silent and sullen, perhaps even snapping and being abusive.

Certainly the message goes out loud and clear: 'There is a limit to my patience and you have just reached it.' You know how good it feels to put people in their places - especially when they've being putting you down for so long. But what price do you pay to for it? Onlookers don't necessarily realise the background to this scenario that could have been building up for days, months or years. All they know is that, after a short discussion in the office, you suddenly exploded, shouted at the top of your voice, walked out of the office, slammed the door and weren't seen for the rest of the day. They'd might be excused for thinking 'He'd always seemed like such a gentle, quiet person but they're always the types. You just never know, do you?'.

It takes all types

So what is assertiveness? Let's start off by looking at the different ways that people get along together. For instance have you noticed how some people seem to get what they want without much effort? They don't raise their voices yet people listen to them. They speak their minds and people agree with them. Very little seems to upset them, they rarely get into arguments and they command respect without actively looking for it. Why? Because these people use assertive behaviour.

On the other hand, some people have real difficulties: They tend to let others set the agenda and they keep quiet instead of speaking their minds. They'd like to speak their minds but don't want to risk rocking the boat. They put up with so much for so long and bottle up all their frustrations then WHAM, they lose all patience and erupt, shouting and causing a scene that takes weeks afterwards to live down. These people use submissive behaviour.

There's a third group. These people are determined to get their own way and will do anything at all to get it. They manipulate other people, especially submissive types. They use psychological, verbal and physical pressure. They blame everyone else if things go wrong. They don't worry about who they harm along the way. They believe they are right and so everybody else must be wrong. This group uses aggressive behaviour.

Submissive types

So how does each of these three types feel about themselves and the world around them? Let's consider the submissive type first.

Submissive types may feel:

• Angry - they think that people take advantage of their easy-going nature.
• Frustrated - they rarely get their own way.
• Withdrawn - nobody seems to listen to them.
• Lethargic - they have little control over life so they have little enthusiasm for it.
• Inferior and insecure - they have low self-esteem and they lack self-confidence.
• Shy - they underestimate their own value and any praise or attention tends to embarrass them.
• Incompetent - they may deliberately under-achieve to avoid praise and attention.
• Defeated - they believe that, whatever they try to do, they'll fail.

Submissive people accept that they are missing out on life - but assume that everyone else is doing alright.

And how do other people react to submissive types?

• Initially they feel guilty - they know they're taking advantage of somebody else's easy-going nature.
• Then they might adopt a superior attitude - here's a person who has little self-respect and self-confidence.
• Increasingly they become irritated and feel tempted to say 'Why don't you stand up for yourself and make your own decisions?'
• Often they use mild aggression. 'Somebody who gives in again and again really needs to be taught a lesson - it's the only way they'll change.
• Finally they avoid the submissive type - they are fed up with such a wimpish, negative attitude.

And why do people use submissive behaviour?

• Because they are worried about how other people will react if they stood up for their rights.
• They don't like to be thought of as 'demanding'.
• They've confused assertiveness with aggressiveness and don't want to be seen as aggressive.
• They've been brought up to be polite but confuse politeness with submissiveness.
• They think other people will like them because they're so obliging and easy going.
• And because they don't know how to be assertive, they just haven't learned that skill yet.

Aggressive types

How do aggressive types feel about themselves?

• Powerful - because they believe that other people respect and obey them.
• Justified they feel correct in whatever they do.
• Stressed - they waste their energies being confrontational.
• Lonely - their aggressiveness means they have no true friends, only acquaintances and hangers-on.
• Insecure - in case the veneer of strength cracks and reveals their fragile inner selves.

Aggressive people believe that they're doing alright - and everybody else is jealous of them.

How does aggressive behaviour make other people feel?

• They frequently feel resentful and humiliated - they don't like being criticised in everything they do.
• They're angry at the unfair tactics.
• They're nervous - they can't relax - they're waiting for the next attack.
• They feel tired because they're using up energy defensively rather than constructively.
• Finally they decide that the only answer is to ignore and avoid the aggressive type.

Assertive types

And the assertive types, - how do they feel about themselves?

People who use assertive behaviour usually feel:

• Calm - they're at peace with themselves and everybody around them.
• Enthusiastic - they've tasted success before and know they'll achieve it again.
• Focussed - they direct their energies fully to the job in hand .
• Motivated - they approach tasks with a positive rather than a negative attitude.
• Respected - they respect themselves and they respect other people.
• Confident - they take calculated risks and if they make a mistake they try to learn from it.
• In control because they know where they're going and how they'll get there.

Assertive people know they're going okay - and so is everyone else.

And how do people react to these assertive types?

• They're relaxed - they don't feel threatened and constantly challenged.
• They're co-operative - they respond to the honesty and direct approach.
• They're respectful - because they appreciate being respected themselves.
• They feel energetic - they can focus all their energies on the job in hand without being distracted by frustrations or criticisms.
• Above all, they feel positive because they know that the assertive person expects to succeed and expects everyone else to succeed as well.

Who wins?

Which of these three types usually achieves their goals?

The submissive type? Rarely - because they have so few real goals in the first place. They expect to fail in everything they do. But they expect everyone else to achieve their goals.

The aggressive type? Quite often they do - but they might face ongoing opposition from those they've antagonised in the process.

The assertive type? Yes, they usually achieve their goals. They create a positive, supportive atmosphere that encourages everybody else to achieve their goals as well.

BECOMING MORE ASSERTIVE

So how do we become more assertive? We all have the potential to be assertive and assertive behaviour is just a skill that can be learned, it's not a magical quality that some are born with and others can only admire from the sidelines. Some of us have simply developed our assertive skills more than others.

So how do we become more assertive? How do we change our behaviour patterns to become less submissive or less aggressive?

We begin by convincing ourselves that we can be more assertive and that we are going to be more assertive. To improve our ways we must believe that we have the ability to change them and must be absolutely determined to change them. To do this we use techniques called Affirmations and Visualisations.

Assertive affirmations

Affirmations are positive messages that we repeat regularly to ourselves until they are fixed firmly in our subconscious mind and we really believe them.

Here are six affirmations about assertiveness. Whenever you have a quiet moment, repeat them to yourself, four or five times each, slowly and deliberately.

The first is: My rights are important to me.

You have rights and you have personal pride. You value your rights - your right to speak your mind, to be listened to, to be respected as a human being and to get a fair go like everybody else. If you won't stand up for your rights them nobody else will stand up for them.

The second is: I respect myself and I respect other people

Respect yourself as a person, an equal to anybody. Remember that, richer or poorer, super-intelligent or slightly dim and whatever your social status, you deserve respect as a human being. And nobody will respect you unless you first respect yourself.

The third is: I have the right to do anything I choose so long as it doesn't harm anybody else.

You believe that your rights are important but realise their limits. You have the right to do anything that's legal unless it hurts somebody else physically, materially or emotionally.

The fourth is: I have the right to make a request of another person.

Again, so long as the request isn't for something that will cause the other person physical, material or emotional harm, you can request anything at all - there's nothing to be lost by asking. Of course the other person has similar rights.

The fifth affirmation tells us: The other person has the right to refuse my request.

Nor does the other person have to say why he or she refused your request - no matter how unreasonable that might seem to you. Don't be offended or feel rejected by a refusal - just respect the other person's right to refuse.

The last affirmation is: My voice is calm and clear.

Say this one out loud in a calm and clear voice, slowly and decisively and form the words crisply so you prove to yourself that you can speak assertively without much effort.

Say it again louder, My voice is calm and clear.

Use affirmations at any time simply because they make you feel good - as well as being one of the cornerstones of assertiveness. If you're feeling down, had an argument or received some bad news, affirmations will help to give you a boost. If you're about to go into any situation where you need to assert yourself such as a job interview or to negotiate a wage increase then say a few affirmations beforehand to boost your self confidence.

Assertive visualisations

Now for some visualisations. When visualising, we mentally look at ourselves acting assertively in different situations. We take the view of a film camera that zooms in and out of a scene that includes ourselves, looking at all the characters from different angles. In all your visualisations pick people you know and choose those people you need to be more assertive toward. Don't take the easy way out and visualise all your mates - the easy-going people who never cause you strife - include a few awkward sorts in the scene. Who do you feel uneasy with and can never relax when they're around? Who always contradicts what you say? Who tends to ignore you?

Note the mannerisms of these people, see their facial expressions, hear their voices and weave their characters into the scene. And see yourself in the middle of it all - smiling, confident, at ease with the situation and looking directly into their eyes. Look at their expressions and gestures - see that they respect and are giving their full attention to you.

In your first visualisation imagine you're telling a funny story to a large group of people and their attention is rivetted on you.

Think of a story, either fact of fiction, that takes about half a minute to tell. Hear yourself relating it in a bright, well modulated voice. Slowly scan the faces around you and see them following as you lead them along through the tale until finally they erupt with laughter at the punch line.

The second visualisation sees you being publicly congratulated on your performance.

You can decide why you're being congratulated. Perhaps an outstanding effort at work, sporting prowess, academic achievement, heroism - choose whatever takes your fancy. But make it something you'd normally try to play down or for which you'd avoid recognition. Listen to the eulogy and the praise. Hold your head up and smile then thank everybody for their applause. You don't feel embarrassed or nervous, you don't put your hands up to your mouth or bite your lip or look down at the ground. You've done something to be proud of and rightly being congratulated for it.

In the third visualisation you're responding calmly and constructively to a frequent critic.

As usual, pick somebody you know. Hear their voice and see their mannerisms. What's the complaint this time? You must decide, but make it something plausible, make it something they've said before. Listen to the criticism and mentally replay it three or four times like a cracked record. Now see and hear yourself replying, without raising your voice, without becoming angry or defensive or evasive and without making excuses. Simply reply to the criticism or explain your side of the argument. Maintain eye contact and speak slowly and calmly. Just say what needs to be said - no more, no less - then stop.

For the fourth visualisation you're maintaining eye contact with somebody who intimidates you.

Who's to be your subject - somebody you fear slightly or somebody you feel inferior to - or just one of those annoying people who succeed in making you feel uncomfortable? This isn't intended to be a staring contest where you glare aggressively into each other's eyes and the first one to look away is the loser, it's just the normal communication method for two people who respect each other.

Mentally you simply look directly into the other person's eyes for about six seconds then look slightly to the side for about three seconds. When looking to the side, keep your eyes at face level - don't look at the ground - then return your gaze back to their eyes for another six seconds or so. Your gaze should be natural - not staring wide-eyed but blinking at your usual rate.

Get used to the eye contact first then think about what you are to say. You're explaining something to the other person - perhaps your feelings about a situation or perhaps there's something you want them to do. As in the previous visualisation, keep your voice calm, your body relaxed and your mind focussed on what you're saying.

In the final visualisation you're saying 'No thank you' to a persistent sales person.

In this visualisation you see and hear yourself say 'No thank you' over and over again, calmly and decisively as he tries to persuade you to buy the roof restoration, security system or whatever - but you remain resolute.

Unlike affirmations which you can say to yourself at any time, you need some solitude and freedom from interruption for visualisations. You may prefer to close you eyes to visualise but pick a time when you're physically and mentally alert and not liable to fall asleep.

Use Affirmations and Visualisations regularly - at least once a day - so that assertive behaviour becomes fixed in your mind as being quite usual for you. You tell yourself that you can be more assertive. You see yourself acting more assertively and you believe you are a more assertive person. The final step of putting it all together and actually becoming that person is now the easy part.

Keep active

Assertive people feel good about themselves and the key to feeling good is an active body and an alert mind.

Regular, gentle exercise and correct breathing will improve blood circulation and an increased flow of oxygenated blood to the brain will stimulate the thought processes. A twenty minute session of moderate exercise three times a week is the key to a reasonable fitness level but even if you can't manage this, you'll feel much more self-confident if you just warm up your body and mind regularly throughout the day.

The easiest way to warm up is to have a breathing and circulation booster session.

First of all, blow your nose to clear your air passages.

Then do some breathing exercises: breathe in over three seconds, hold for three seconds and breathe out over five seconds. Really fill your airways - raise your shoulders and push out your stomach to allow your lungs to take in maximum capacity.

Try it now:

Breath IN, two, three, four, five

HOLD, two, three, four, five

OUT, two, three, four, five.

Wait five seconds then repeat. Run through this cycle at least three times each session.

Next some light exercise to take your heart rate up a little and get the blood circulating through the system, at the same time you give a gentle workout to the main muscle groups. The simplest way to do this is a couple of minutes' brisk walking, either indoors or out. It's good if there are some stairs to climb and remember to breath deeply as you walk.

Now this is fine for the legs, buttocks and the back but it doesn't do anything for the arms. Don't worry, you won't need to go down on the floor to do twenty press-ups, you can do this exercise when you're sitting or standing up and nobody will notice. All it involves is clenching your fists and stiffening the arm muscles. With your arms hanging loosely by your sides, first clench your fists as tightly as you can, which will also tense your forearms. Now tighten the muscles in your upper arms as hard as you can. Hold everything in tension for five seconds then release, unclenching your fists and straightening your fingers. Wait five seconds then repeat the cycle. Try it now:

CLENCH, two, three, four, five

HOLD, two, three, four, five

RELAX, two, three, four, five.

Wait five seconds then repeat. Run through this cycle at least three times each session.

If you keep up this cycle during the two minute walk, your arm muscles will feel firm and well toned at the end of it. If you can manage it, do this cycle of walking, deep breathing and tensing your arms two or three times a day.

If you're going into any situation where assertiveness is vital, run through a breathing and circulation booster session then add some affirmations and visualisations to put you into peak condition for the encounter.

And these situations don't always centre around asking the boss for a salary increase or getting a potential customer to sign the order. It could be something trivial such as asking a workmate to take a turn in doing an unpleasant task or asking a teenage daughter to clean up her room.

This all might seem a lot to do before this important meeting or whatever but think about the options. What's more likely to put you in the correct mental state of assertiveness: ten minutes of affirmations, visualisations, deep breathing and exercise or ten minutes of sitting down, fidgeting and worrying about what might or might not happen? You'll be much more alert, fair-minded, clear thinking, objective and unbiased if you can feel the blood surging through your veins, your muscles taut and your body feeling good.

Appearances may be deceptive - but err on the side of caution

So now you feel good - but do you look good?

Looking good

How do you react to someone who's neatly groomed and walks along purposefully with their body held upright, shoulders back and arms swinging? How credible do they appear? Would you listen to what they have to say? Do they look like the sort of person you could rely on?

And how do you react to someone who's slightly unkempt and who shuffles along, hunched over and looking at the ground? Do you give them the same level of respect? Would you regard their opinions as important?

Perhaps appearances don't tell the full story but they do determine our first impressions - and first impressions can be vital, especially when you're being interviewed for a job. Looking smart makes you feel smart and - perhaps only for a while - people will treat you as though you are smart.

Conversely if we don't look our best then it can undermine our confidence. It's important that we don't become self-conscious about our appearance or worry about how we think people perceive us or we'll be in a position of weakness. We can't always look and feel our best and some days are better than others.

For instance - imagine you're at home and negotiating with a painter the price for having the inside of your house painted. You're in your old slacks and shapeless top. The children have left the house in a bit of a mess and you feel embarrassed about the clothes and plates left lying around. If you're mentally apologising for yourself and the house instead of concentrating on what's being discussed, you'll be negotiating from a position of weakness. Not because the painter is critical - he's quite used to messy houses - it would be your own apologetic attitude that weakened your position.

The answer is: don't mentally apologise. Sure, clean up the mess if things are starting to live in it - but don't apologise.